They're not my thoughts.

Postpartum diaries - entry #2

Welcome to entry #2. I’ve been keeping a list of all the things I want to write about in this series, but when it came to having a clear moment to write today I felt called to share the most real thing that I am experiencing today.

The familiar voices of an eating disorder that have shown up during this postpartum period despite 10-years of relative and cumulative freedom and recovery.

I have shared before on other social media platforms how much I enjoy pregnancy. Not all of it - everything is nuanced around here. But certainly the part where around 20+ weeks I start to feel like my body was made to be pregnant. That it’s a body that feels comfortable, strong, and capable whilst pregnant. And where there is a sigh of relief that I can just feel totally proud and confident in this body whilst it is growing a baby.

It’s actually helpful to write that out in those words because I would really like to foster that relationship of pride and confidence with my body whilst not pregnant - ie the majority of, and quite possibly, the rest of my life.

I think it’s helpful to share some details of my personal experience of recovering from 15+ years of body shame and disordered eating behaviours. As with so many aspects of life it can be easy to see something like ED recovery as binary - either you have the eating disorder, or you’re recovered and you don’t.

But in my experience, it is not black and white in the slightest. If I had to identify myself today I would not identify myself as someone who has an eating disorder. I am not controlled by my thoughts around my body and my food, I can eat a meal and get on with my life, I don’t spend hours obsessing over what to eat, or what I ate, or how to make up for what I ate.

And yet here I am, 2-weeks postpartum and the characteristic thoughts that fuelled my ED are louder than usual. They’re thoughts like…

Make the most of burning extra calories breastfeeding [by not eating extra to fuel that]

You’re not getting out and moving at the moment you don’t need extra food

You lost more weight / were slimmer after your first pregnancy why didn’t you do the same this time

You need to start moving more to make up for anything extra you’re eating

Don’t eat sugar, only eat healthy food, you’ll be letting yourself down

How my recovery shows up for me today is that I can hear and recognise these thoughts and not act on them. I can counter them by being kind to my body in the mirror, and taking the rest I need, and fuelling my body well whilst also enjoying the food I’m eating.

But it is work. The thoughts consume energy and are draining. The thoughts take up space that I could use to think about something far more creative or interesting.

And most of all, part of me feels hijacked by these thoughts which aren’t even mine.

Thoughts of a patriarchal society that dictate that women are better smaller - we should ‘bounce’ back to some kind of perfect body after having children - and that we’re more lovable, successful, and worthy when we look a certain way. Or even the rhetoric that we’re allowed to eat more or we’ve earned more food by breastfeeding or taking care of a baby. Yet again, relating our energy consumption to some part of our worth.

I did not opt in to these thoughts. They were given to me from an early age and have never quite packed their bags and left. Probably because they are regurgitated all the time. All over my social media I get fed videos about how to lose weight postpartum, what exercises to do to lose my tummy, and the top tips for becoming a slim mother - as if that is what is important.

These thoughts are entrenched and embedded within the people, places and things I engage with.

One of the ways I am countering these thoughts is through embracing my matriarchal calling to love myself deeply, to love and care for my children with a big open heart, and to be a part of a harmonious and rich family. Prioritising things that have very little to do with the way I look, and everything to do with how I love and allow myself to be loved.

These priorities don’t ask me to look a certain way, they ask me to take care of my wellbeing, to stay strong so I can play, gather, and create. To remain in contact with and devoted to mother earth’s guidance so that I may be of service to the communities I move in and beyond.

In writing this I have realised that it does not do me any service to consider these my ED thoughts. They aren’t.

They are messages from society that I once accidentally subscribed to but no longer do.

Just as I have to unlearn so much in order to home educate my child, it’s about time I unlearn these beliefs too. I’m not entirely sure how, but for now - extra love and kindness to the afraid parts of me that cling on to these ideas and forget that I am already so loved, so worthy, and so perfectly imperfect as I am.

I wrote this a few days ago and am just hitting publish today. In those days I have already seen a shift. In how I am nourishing myself, taking care of myself, and really doing the work to counter the thoughts with love and kindness when they do show up.

Writing is a tonic, thank you for being my witness.